He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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