I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
