listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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