i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
