i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
