What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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