Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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