The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
