When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
