Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
