His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
