I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
