Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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