Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
