You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
