i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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