I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
