Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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