Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
