Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
