Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
