i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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