im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
