I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My dick has a subreddit
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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