Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
