Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
