i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
