I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
