Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
