My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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