I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
