I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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