lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We need to rekindle our bromance
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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