I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize