The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
