as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize