Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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