dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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