This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
