I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
