he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
