I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
