After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
