i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
