Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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