You can't special order awesome
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
