WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
