Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
