Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
