Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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