Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
