Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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