How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
