gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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