cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
