Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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