It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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